Pulp Fatwa

by: Junker

“Ok, so tell me again about the hash laws.”

“What do want to know?”

“Well, hash is illegal there, right?”

“Well, that depends. Here’s how it breaks down. Its illegal to own it, its illegal to sell it. Its illegal to carry it, but that don’t matter. Get this, if the cops stop you, they won’t search you.”

“What do you mean, they can’t search you?”

“No man, they’ll just start beating you right there. Just up and beat you to within an inch of your life!”

“And that’s if you don’t have the stuff on you???”

“Exactly. If you do have the hash, you’ll get a trial. That usually takes about 15 minutes, then you’ll probably find yourself hanging from a lamppost!”

“Oh man, fuck that, I ain’t goin, that’s all there is to it!”

“Yeah. But you know what the funniest thing about Arabia is?”


“The little things. They got the same shit over there, just different.”


“Alright, well you can walk into a movie theater in Riyadh and there aren’t any women, anywhere. I mean, they’re there, but they’ve got their entire face covered in this veil thing. And you know what’s more fucked up?”


“Women can’t leave their house without a man. I mean, how do you meet chicks?”

“That is fucked up man.”

“Yeah. Still, they’ve still got everything we’ve got. They’ve got more MacDonald’s than we do, but there are these little differences. You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese?”

“They don’t call it a Quarter Pounder with cheese?”

“No man, they’ve got the Arabic system, its all screwed up. They wouldn’t know what a Quarter Pounder is. They call it a ‘Intifada, with cheese’. And a Big Mac is a ‘Big Mustafa’.”

“What do they call a Bacon Burger?”

“Well, they ain’t too big on pig, but I think they call it a ‘Infidel Burger’. Guess what they’ve got instead of beef?”


“Mutton. Every where you look, mutton. They’re drowning in that shit man. But listen, forget that, what happened to Marsellus Wahabi and his sister?”

“Well, Marsellus was out of town, right. He leaves Ahmed with Mia. Marsellus comes back early, and finds Ahmed giving Mia a foot massage.”

“Yeah. So what?”

“Get this, Marsellus just blows up.”

"What do mean, literally?"

"No man, fuck. No not literally. He gets mad. He gets so mad that he and Ahmed throw Mia off the balcony."

“Whoa whoa whoa! They throw Mia off the balcony? That’s fucked up man. Shouldn’t Marsellus throw Ahmed off the balcony?”

“Nah, their system is all fucked up and ass backwards. Its called 'honor killing'. Since Mia brought ‘dishonor’ to the family, it’s the right of the other family members to kill her.”

“Ah man, all of that over a foot massage!”

“Yep! Like I said, it is FUCKED up!”